The Profile and Public Face of an Episcopalian

Two weeks ago, I attended a special program sponsored by my local church. The presentation was by one of the foremost researchers on brain health and more recently on new methods of treatment. He happens to be the son of one of our members. She is active in our Episcopal Women’s Group. After a general introduction on what we have learned about the brain in the past 20 years and especially its elasticity, he turned to such topics as PTSD, dementia, stroke rehabilitation and even depression. There were almost exactly 50 people present and predictably most were members of our church. As usual, the only advertisement for this presentation was through our email newsletter and word of mouth. The presentation was informative, but so was the audience.

I came to that meeting having recently read the Pew Research Report on the place and make up of religion in American and listening to Ryan Budge’s commentary on it in one of my favorite podcasts.  I was especially sensitive to the information on members of the Episcopal Church. About 35 of the attenders met the reported profile of our median membership. The remaining group varied from the six characteristics by only one or two. What is the profile of the median member of the Episcopal Church? They are predictably:

·       Women over 55 years of age

·       Highly educated

·       Affluent (compared to the US median income of $80,000)

·       White

·       Politically aligned with the left

·       And I would add because it is implied in the report, upwardly mobile

Of these median characteristics, I matched four. Having been an Episcopal Priest for 53 years, I was, as usually, comfortable being there. I noted the presence of one woman who was 40 years old. I learned this from her questions at the end of the presentation. I also learned that she is a veteran who suffered from PTSD, knew about the presenter, and was eager to enter a trial study that was recently approved by the CDC. I noted that although she enthusiastically engaged the presenter, she did not interact with our members, and they did not initiate conversation with her. As soon as she had her questions answered, she left. So much for hospitality let alone any attempt at evangelism at the one person not meeting much of our profile.

Let me pause to note who does meet all six of these characteristics and was most recently in the public press. It is, of course, Bishop Budde of the Diocese of Washington who preached the now infamous sermon at the service for national unity with President Trump and many of his administration present. I mention this only to underscore how she underscored our public profile.

Whatever we make of this profile and why this represents the face of the Episcopal Church, here is the most surprising fact about those in it not just Episcopalians. This portion of the population makes up one of the highest percentages of those annually leaving Christian churches. I think this paradox is both a good thing for our community and a challenge. Here is the good thing.

In recent months, I have noticed on my social media platform a number of women who meet this profile and who have left conservative and evangelical churches. Several cite the abuse they had received as members as the reason for this. The abuse ranged from control, manipulation, gender discrimination, and even sexual abuse. One of these women who I have come to appreciate in her writings is Christy Lynn Wood. I subscribe to her articles on Substack. She says she had to “deconstruct” her faith formed in such a church to reconstruct her faith based on rediscovering the real Jesus as opposed to the image used by her former church to control behavior especially the behavior of women. Remember that the two largest Christian bodies in the U.S. are the Roman Catholic Church and the coalition of varies Christian churches that operate under the “Evangelical” banner. I messaged her that “The Episcopal Church Welcomes You.” She responded that she had checked us out and saw us favorably.” Right now, she is most focused on reforming evangelicals. Here is the good news. We have often been a refuge for such women, and it is to our credit that we offer a safe place for them. This became especially true after our efforts to include women in all our leadership. This group not only includes former evangelicals but also former Roman Catholics.

Now here is the challenge. Notice several things about this profile. It is by nature a group with a high value for a college education. I have often mentioned elsewhere how this is a liability for our community in a country where only 35% have any college education. Notice also the intellectual assumptions we already make in our church in preaching, teaching, and Christian education. Notice too how different this is from the vast majority of worldwide Anglicans especially women. Notice along with this our current weddedness to leftist political goals. But especially notice who does not fit our profile and our often-unconscious reactions to them. Remember the 40-year-old woman veteran.

Ryan Budge, author of 20 Myths about Religion and Politics in America, noted our profile and commented that if we wish to reverse our decline, we might aim our evangelism and church planting at a wider profile. He suggests that this includes those seeking churches less identified with the political left (or right) and who seek churches that build bridges between others rather than contribute to the polarization in our society. There are a growing number of such people, and he documents this in his book. He notes somewhat ironically that this used to be the strength not only of the Episcopal Church but of most mainline churches in the U.S. What, we might wonder, changed this? Could it be that the more our current profile has come to dominate our identity? Remember even a declining church adds new members. In doing this have we lost contact with those seeking something different from our current bias and agendas? I would suggest that our profile reveals a community of open minded people convinced of our inclusiveness and diversity who are largely unaware of our own identity. For example, despite all our conversations about inclusiveness, we remain about 85% white. This is a fact that almost none of our current leaders care to mention.

Budge goes on to note the fastest group of Americans moving toward the Christian faith. They are males between 20 to 35 who are seeking a community of faith that provides them with a structured way of building their faith. For us that would be Prayer Book, Creeds and Catechism. Budge suggests that our current churches made up of our current profile will not be able to do this. He suggests that an investment in younger clergy interested in planting new churches among their peers and who reach out to such people no matter their gender, their political affiliations whether Democrats, Republicans or Independents, would give us a more hopeful future. Let me close with an observation that shows the challenge in doing what Budge suggests.

Do you know that the average age of our newest clergy at ordination is 45 years of age? Given what Pew has found and what Ryan Budge is suggesting, obviously we need a radical rethinking of our future recruitment of leaders and how they are educated and trained for ministry if we wish to have a more hopeful future. The question before our current leadership is whether we are willing to do this not only for the sake of our church but for the mission of Christ to society in a time of major polarization and upheaval.   

Religious Beliefs are Rising

If you have not heard this headline yet, you will be hearing it soon. It was just such a headline that led me read the latest Pew Research Report on Religion in America. I urge you to read it too.

The overall conclusion in the report is that religion in North America is no longer declining and is actually on the rise. You can expect denominational leaders will jump on this kind of headline because most are desperate to hear some hopeful news. This is especially true given the past 20 years of steady decline in almost every denomination and especially mainline churches like the Episcopal Church. We have faced a serious decline in attendance with about 500,000 gathering on an average Sunday down from one million 25 years ago. Membership is down too but it normally lags behind the attendance trend.

We do have some optimistic voices in recent years that try to downplay our numbers. I have heard two phrases repeated a number of times. The first is that “Numbers are not everything and they do not tell the whole story.” This works as long as you do not think of numbers as representing souls and fellow members of the body of Christ. The second one is “The Church is not declining it is transforming.” This seems to be a comment favored among our most progressive leaders. Those who repeat this comments never seem to explain what that transformation is. It seems to imply transforming from something old toward something new or something bad into something good. It is full of hope but very little substance. Both responses sound good until each year’s parochial reports are tabulated.

Despite our leaders’ hope, the report is much more complex and nuanced and may not necessarily be that hopeful to Christian churches. Remember that the Pew Foundation studies overall religious views not only Christian churches although that topic is explored with interesting applications later in the Report. What does the report show about religious beliefs in 2025? Here is some summary information from it.

    ·       Most Americans believe we are spiritual beings and have a soul. The number is close to 75%

    ·       “Spiritual but not religious” is a growing demographic among us.

    ·       Jesus is still highly regarded even among non-Christians.

    ·       The percentage of self-reported atheists is gradually declining although their numbers have never been more than 6% of the population.

    ·       Most Americans are willing to learn from other religions and spiritual traditions. This has greatly   changed since the 1950s.

    ·       Spirituality and Psychology (including popular self-help information) are often topics that overlap for many.

In other words, while church membership seems to be stabilizing around 20%, religious beliefs and spirituality are increasing. Contrary to much popular belief, Americans are becoming less secular not more. In conclusion, religion in American is complex and it is changing and moving toward more religious belief not less. Some churches seem to recognize this and are adapting to these changes especially in reaching out to younger people. Many churches, including those in TEC, are more focused on the current beliefs and attitudes of our aging membership.

This leads many who study these matters, like Ryan Budge, to believe that planting new churches with younger leaders may be our best hope and strategy for reaching newer and younger people. This is a topic I will explore in a later blog, but in my next one, I will be looking at what the report says about the current profile of an Episcopalian and asking you how closely you align with this. The answer to our current profile presents a serious paradox that I will explore.   

 

 

Imagine

 Christians have our cognitive dissonance moments, but so does our culture. The cultural ones may give us a great countercultural opportunity for evangelism.

The funeral of President Jimmy Carter was one of our moments of cognitive dissonance for members of the Christian community. According to his family, the former President requested that John Lennon’s “Imagine” be sung as part of the service. To add to the dissonance, two country singers performed it. Both of these singers had performed gospel music in their commercial albums. What did this moment in our common life reveal?

What is cognitive dissonance?

This concept was developed by psychologists almost 40 years ago to explain an observable phenomenon among humans. In a two part series of David McRaney’s podcast “You are Not So Smart,” he explains this concept and explores it. Cognitive dissonance describes the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. Humans tend to naturally seek consistency, so these conflicts produce discomfort. One of my other favorite podcasters, Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs and Mikerowe WORKS, has been using the term lately applying it too much of the craziness and contradictory behavior in our culture. I think he is right.

Why does this matter?

It matters because this may well be America’s age of cognitive dissonance, and its discomfort is adding to the anxiety, fear, and anger of our time. Learning to identify this and resolve it rather than just carrying it around may be essential to our corporate mental health. Let’s return to Plains for that moment. Here are the words.

            Imagine there’s no heaven / It’s easy if you try

            No hell below us / Above us, only sky

            Imagine all the people / Living for today

And then the full dissonance for Christians,

           Imagine there’s no countries It isn’t hard to do /Nothing to kill or die for?

            And no religion, too

At the funeral for a committed liberal Baptist who dedicated his post political life to serving the poor and building houses for Habitat for Humanity, we heard THE SECULAR ANTHEM of our society. In fairness his family said that the president liked the tune. We have to conclude that this otherwise thoughtful Christian leader just ignored the words, not an uncommon practice among Christians today.

Sadly, we do not have to imagine the world John sang about. Societies without heaven or hell or any religion existed extensively in the previous century. In these militant atheistic places, millions of citizens were killed by their own government despite their stated egalitarian values.  I would suggest that we are asked to imagine hell on earth. I would suggest that a secular world may not be the eutopia that its advocates like to sing about. Despite these historic examples, our nation continues to move toward this utopian vision.  When I protested on social media that as an Episcopalian, I wasn’t part of the stereotype hateful Christians, a millennial dismissed it with “you Christians are all alike.” His comment got lots of likes.

Secular Cognitive Dissonance

But there is also a common secular cognitive dissonance that we see and hear all the time. At almost every public event of grief, or mass shootings, or senseless violence some popular artist, or spontaneously, we hear the words of possibly the best-known Christian hymn today. That is, of course, Amazing Grace. Take hold of this dissonance. A celebrity singing these words:

            Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me

            I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see.

As a friend of mine often observes, “You can’t make this stuff up.” In our popular culture that believes that “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all,” and that popularizes every self-help book proposing self-love justified by the virtue of self-esteem, we are singing about wretchedness. Well, perhaps people just like the tune.

The Greatest Love of All

In the Christian religion, self-love is not the greatest love of all. This doesn’t mean that we are psychologically pro low self-esteem. We understand that self-love and self-esteem are two sides of the same coin and share self as the focus. For Christians humans are created in the image of God, the all loving God. Our love is laid out by the Apostle Paul in Corinthians, “Now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love.” This is clouded by the modern English word “love” used in almost all modern translation. In our language love is largely undifferentiated. The Greeks had four words for it. Paul used a poignant one, agape.

Paul differentiates it in the rest of the 13^th chapter. Read it sometime. This love is better translated today from the Greek as “sacrificial love of others and this love was shown by Jesus’ death on the cross. This is the greatest love of all. This statement may be the most countercultural message of Christians in our growingly self-centered, dare we say narcissistic, secular world. Remember that the popular singer who proclaimed that learning to love ourselves is the greatest love of all, drowned while in a self-induced drug coma. Sadly, such behavior is far too often the consequence of too much self-centeredness. 

Imagine This

Imagine a world where a human soul, no matter how lost, addicted, or self-centered, or even violent is loved by God and you catch the resolved dissonance of the Christian vision found in that powerful hymn. The hymn captures the attention so often of many in our country who are addicted or are abused by those who are. It speaks about the cyclical destruction of dysfunction families. Psychic pain like physical pain turns people inward. As AA has always taught, health begins in helping others.

Recently, on my social media, a woman posted that she was raised with a drunken abusive father and that her brothers were repeating that behavior. She described the emotional breakdown her mother had after attempting suicide. Then she said the Jesus came into their family and they have all been freed from the addiction, healed from the abuse, and are growing as a loving family. We were “saved” she declared. A cynic responded with “Or you gained awareness of the dysfunctional behavior, sought therapy and learned how to live a more health life. Jesus probably didn’t have anything to do with it.”

While such recovery sometimes happens to individuals, it almost never happens to a whole family trapped in the dysfunctional behavior she had described. I wanted to post, “It is much easier to believe this family was saved by Jesus than by that psychological babble you are uttering.” But the young lady had already received lots of affirmation. I knew my words would be wasted on such a cynic. I didn’t want to cause him any cognitive dissonance, so I let the testimony and the cynic’s words stand in glaring contradiction. Funny isn’t it how God’s love and grace are so disturbing to the growing secular world that offers almost no salvation to those who need it most and that believes that that learning to love ourselves is the solution to all our world’s pain.

 

Randomness and the Human Soul

My major in college was history and my minor was psychology. As it turns out, the two are often complimentary because they are about human behavior. Recently, I recalled something from my study of psychology that remains revealing to this day.

There was a famous experiment about 50 years ago having to do with animal behavior. We are, after all, on a basic level animals. We just aren’t only animals. It started with a simple question about learning. A group of chickens were put into individual cages. Each cage was rectangular and had a food dish on one end and over it was a round disk. The disk was attached to a device that would distribute a food pellet when pecked. Chickens are prone to peck most things in their environment, so they soon discovered that when they pecked the disk, to their delight, a pellet dropped. Researchers observed that when the chicken wanted food, it learned that all it needed to do was peck the disk. Then came the “what if we” experiment.

The first one was to make the device only pay off every 2 times the disk was pecked. There was no change in their behavior. What if it took 3 times than 4? The results were the same. They ate when they were hungry and pecked the times needed to get the food. Then came, what if we turned the disk off and no food came out no matter how many times the chickens pecked? The results started getting more interesting. They would give up for a while, go back and peck as if to check and see, and after a while, they finally gave up. Then researchers tried randomness. It must have been a grad student who came up with this idea. They set the disk to pay randomly. There was no pattern. Sometimes it paid off after two pecks followed by 5 pecks followed by 3 pecks. But randomly meant no pattern. The chickens’ behavior changed radically. They quickly learned to keep pecking the disk whether they were hungry or not. Peck, peck, peck, they couldn’t stop. It was almost like a compulsion.

In the end, the researchers found that if the disk then was set not to pay off, chickens would stand by the disk and keep pecking till they dropped from starvation. It seems randomness has an almost addictive and transrational effect on animal behavior. Remember, we are animals too.

Randomness and the Human Soul

This, of course, is the rational explanation of many human behaviors that seem irrational on the surface. Take gambling for example. Even though everyone knows the odds are stacked in favor of the house, or now the app, people do randomly win. They may develop a system that they think works, but that doesn’t matter. All winning proves is that the pellet still falls. Extended over a wide population, like the lottery, its effects are powerful even given the overwhelming odds against winning and in favor of the State. Put another way, when one person wins a million dollars, the State wins many times over. The difference by the way between a State and a casino seems to be that casinos sometimes have someone “break the bank.” I have decided this is staged and aimed at packing the casino the next night. Lots of pellets dropped. Maybe we are next.

Now, knowing that Fentanyl can kill you, why would anyone take it? Start with this. When ICE raided a member of a cartel in Chicago, he had 175,000 Fentanyl pills. If that were to lead to 175,000 deaths, it would not only be the biggest mass murder in our country but afterward no one would take the risk. So, good for the cartels, that many pills will only kills a few hundred. Now randomness works against sanity. What are the odds against getting killed when seeking a high. They are randomly low. I mean only the families will really notice the random deaths anyway. Let’s move away from this topic before anyone becomes more aware of why people take such a drug and try to do something about it.

The Theology of Randomness

Now let me go on a soul journey, a religious phenomenon, a current cultural one. Do you know what the largest Church in America is? That’s right, it is Joel Osteen’s. He is a prosperity evangelist. He has two beautiful expensive homes, a private jet, and takes no salary from his church because God has richly blessed his message. His money comes from speaking events and the sales of his books. His message repeated endlessly is God will protect and provide for you by faith. Have enough faith and boom!  Or the corollary, no boom not enough faith. How can anybody who reads the bible believe such babble. The answer is randomness.

Take this example that I heard him use. He had preached that God promised to put a hedge around his faithful believers. That is actually in the Bible. He then told the story of a man in his congregation that embraced this teaching and by faith claimed it. Soon after, he took his family to Forida for a vacation (Disney no doubt) and while driving on the interstate they got tangled in a multicar accident. Sure enough, cars and bodies were strewn around, but his family passed safely through. He told Joel how God had saved them putting a hedge around their car. That will preach, at least in Joel’s Church.

In mainline places someone will at the coffee hour say, “You know that sermon troubled me. Not that I think God isn’t good but is God that cruel or capricious? What about those other people in the accident? Weren’t some of them Christians?" Joel’s system makes it clear. Yeah, Christians but faithful? I think it not so much God, but randomness. Take it one step further. Imagine a family of non-believers who were in the same accident but were not hurt. After all, scripture tells us “The rain falls on the just and the unjust.” Seems the God of the bible isn’t that random.

God’s Collateral Damage

Recently, the new President declared that he believed that God saved him during the assassination attempt in Pennsyvania. When I heard this, I was standing among obvious cynics one of whom cracked, “What about those wounded and the guy killed? Was that God’s collateral damage?" That is a tremendous theological question! Perhaps it would be better to note that wildfire strikes both the just and the unjust and learn to live with it. This world is full of randomness and we Christians think it is related to our fallenness. Maybe?

Randomness explains a lot. Remember the chickens dying of hunger while still pecking away. Remember too that suffering and pain in this world is part of the package and that to declare that God is nevertheless good is a remarkable statement of faith. African Christians say it this way often amid poverty, “God is Good, all the time. All the time, God is good.” Faith is not in a payoff, but trust in the father’s steadfast love as in the prodigal son story. Our example is of course Jesus himself dying on the cross. “Into your hands I commend my spirit.” That is called faith because it involves two dynamics: trust and courage. Randomness has nothing to do with faith in God. As Paul said in Romans 8, “For those who love God, all things work for good.” In God, for the faithful, there is no randomness only God. Poetically, the night and the day are both alike. For those who love God, there is only God’s love that triumphs over all things.

The Wind Beneath My Wings

Beaches is a 1988 American comedy-drama film starring Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey. It tells the story of two women, C.C. Bloom and Hillary Whitney, who meet as children and become lifelong friends despite their very different personalities and lifestyles. For me, it is the ultimate “chick flick.” But more importantly, the film’s beautiful song sung by Midler at her friends passing is the ultimate pastor wife's anthem. Its title “You are the Wind Beneath my Wings” and first line “It must have been cold there in my shadow, a beautiful face without a name…” says everything.

My wife Sharon of 60 years has been the love of my life, my best friend, my partner in marriage, the mother of my children, a wonderful Nana to both our grands and our great grands. She has also been my partner in ministry and is a clergy spouse. Often introduced as “The Rector’s wife,” she is her own person and made major contributions to every church and ministry I have served. After our children reached school age, she began working full time. It helped our meager income. When I served a church in Westerville, Ohio, she became the Executive Secretary of the Chamber of Commerce. It was at their social gatherings that I was regularly introduced as “Sharon’s husband.” I got it. It was a painful realization.

Sharon has always had a gift of being able to lift me up when I became discouraged or down. She also had a good way of leveling me off if I got too big headed. Her gift was knowing when to do each. When I was a student in college, I was elected for the first time to be a convention delegate to the Diocese of Dallas. I went with my Rector who I admired and three professors from my college. I had taken classes from all three and respected them. When the convention ended early, they decided to go to lunch and invited this 19-year-old to attend. I bowed out. I wanted to go but felt out of place. Later at home, I told her what happened. She saw my sadness. Setting next to me, she reached over, took me by the chin, looked right into my eyes and said, “I don’t ever want to hear the man I love put yourself down again. Do you understand me? You are as good as any man!” Then she kissed me. It was a life changing moment for me.

She is a redhead. I read a study once that said redheads are hypersensitive people. Their smell, hearing, and touch are more intense than the rest of us. I believe it. I have seen her hair almost glow when she gets angry. At 4’11” she stands, looks up at me, points her finger and speaks. I’ve learned to keep quiet. It is not my turn to speak. At a women’s gathering in our church in Ohio, they once for fun took a survey on “The Sensual Woman.” The ladies were stunned to find out she outscored all of them. “I aced it,” she told me. “I’ll bet!” I added.

In my last full-time work as Dean of St. Matthew’s Cathedral in Dallas, she saved the resale shop. Its purpose had been to raise money to help run the Cathedral. She transformed it into a ministry. She had great retail instincts. She also knew her market. It was among our Spanish speaking members and their friends. She would take the Nordstrum dresses from donors and sell them from $2 to $5 dollars. The place got packed every Saturday. “You charge them?” I sternly asked her once. She got that your clueless look and responded, “Do you not know what it means to ladies to buy such clothes at such bargain prices?” Then she cut off any further suggestions from me with, “They’re not looking for charity, you know. They are our members!” I wish my elitist denomination understood her wisdom. You do not gain members by giving people charity. You win their hearts by welcoming them as equal members of the family. 

I am thankful that we are Episcopalians for her sake. We have always had a lot of professional women and then woke up and allowed women to even be ordained. That has made a clergy spouse freer from the restraints of a piety that is often forced upon the pastor’s spouse. It’s worse in the groups that have descended from Wesleyans, “keep them poor, keep them humble” culture. This is still true of the evangelical brand or the Pentecostal variety. Today in a Pentecostal church, the pastor’s wife is often one the only women still not wearing makeup or a new dress. Check out the old movie “One Foot in Heaven” that portrays the life and career of a Methodist pastor and the restrains forced upon his wife and children. It is classic American church culture of the 50s. Alas, it is still alive in churches today.

This last Christmas was the first time that I decorated our tree by myself. My wife would contend that sitting in your recliner and watching re-runs was supervision. We have collected many ornaments over 60 years. While her short-term memory is sometimes lacking, she remembers everyone; when we got it, and who gave it if it was a gift. The second day, it was late, and I was tired. I finally said to her, “I think that this year we could just do with half of these.” She snapped back, “I love all of them.” Then I added hopefully, “Maybe we could give some of them away to Goodwill.” She gave me that your clueless look again and said, “Over my dead body.” I then mumbled, “That could be arranged.” Her hair began to glow, and her stare penetrated the space between me. Then she gave me a non-verbal response that was so incongruent with her petite size and usual kind manner that I almost fell out of my chair laughing. Now came, “Why are you laughing at me?” Then even she laughed.

She is the wind beneath my wings.  

 

 

 

 

Loss is the Price

I may be old and have lost much of my voice, but I still have something to say. For example, do you know that Sharon and I once lived in the Emerald City of Oz?

You can imagine what it was like to be a couple raised in Texas and living in the Midwest in a city surrounded by flat fields of corn when a strong wind of the Spirit landed our home in the technicolored land of Oz. Emerald City is, of course, located in the Pacific Northwest. Often on a rare sunny day in Oz, I could look out to snow covered peaks in both the north and south. Then I could Look to the west and see the Puget Sound and the Olympic Mountains. It was always breathtaking. However, Emeral City has changed.

Shortly after we left, Oz was invaded by an army from the south that the locals called the “Californicators.” This was a greedy tribe of people who transformed Emerald City by buying up much of its real estate made up of small family homes and replacing them with 5 story high rises. These new households were made up of two professionals, mostly high-tech people. The zoning for parking at these new buildings is to provide one parking space for each unit even though the people almost always own two cars. The overflow fills all the local street parking. The last time I tried to visit my old church; I gave up after searching for an hour for a parking space.

The church I served evaporated during the scorched earth policies of TEC during the culture wars of the early two thousands. TEC forgot that in the US church is a voluntary society and if you don’t like what the denomination does and you don’t feel appreciated, you can always just leave. Recently, the old Church building was sold off to a developer to put up another high rise. I understand they got good money for it. Anyway, because of the conflict, it had long ago stopped being the church I had known.

However, we did return regularly to Emerald City because we had dear friends there. When we visited, we often stayed with one. Her name is Judy. She is everything that I love about Episcopal women leaders. She is smart, artistic, an enthusiastic reader, and a person with a quiet and deep spirituality. She was also a professional therapist and for us with two teenagers, she was literally a Godsent. She was my wife’s best friend and very dear to me.

About a month ago, I found Judy’s email address and realized that we hadn’t talked to her since Covid. I wrote and updated her on the monumental changes that have taken place in our lives in the last two years due to my wife’s medical condition. I ended up asking how she was doing. When I didn’t immediately hear back, I began to worry. Last night we received an answer from her son. It seems that about once a month he checks her emails and found my update. He shared that Judy now resides in Oregon near her daughter in a memory care facility for those suffering from late developing dementia.

 Dementia is the plague of us Boomers. It seems that our bodies can now, thanks to modern medicine, live longer but often our memories cannot. Much of who we have been and are as souls is contained in those memories.  Her memory loss is evidently short term like Sharon’s. My bride often can’t remember which day of the week it is, but for everything pre-covid, she is my long-term memory. Peter, Judy’s son, shared that his mother still remembers the names of her children and grandchildren. My experience is that the names of grandchildren are the last to be lost. 

I close these reflections on friendship, memories, and Judy with two observations.

First, dementia takes away our loved ones one day at a time. There are worse things than death. This is especially true for us Christians who live in the hope of, well you know.

Second, when I read the lovely and caring email from Peter to my dear bride, we both cried. They were tears of sadness, joy, and thanksgiving. My experience is that grief often has a mixture of these. There is no doubt, however, that it is the price we pay for loving people.

When we experience grief and loss, it doesn’t help to seek closure, and we will not learn to get over it. Our memories that remain are what make us the people we are. They also prepare our souls for their eternal journey.  We never move on from love. It too is eternal, and it goes with us even in our loss. We will carry Judy in our hearts for eternity.

 

A Healing Path: Pain, Awareness, and Healing

This is my most personal blog ever, I share it with the hope and prayer that it will be helpful to others.

In the early 90s, I was the Director of the Leadership Training Institute of Episcopal Renewal Ministries. It was a great time in our lives living and working with the team of people who made up this ministry. However, one source of pain for me was my son. His life had gone off track and our relationship had gone to hell. Nothing I could say or do seemed to help him and that is a great deal of pain for a anyone but especially for a pastor. Then God did something remarkable. It became a time of grace for my family.

It Started with a Friend. I was sharing this with Sandy Greene, a close friend and colleague, when he said something that changed my life and eventually my relationship with my son. “You need to read a book and I will send you a copy,” The book was by Paul Warren and a colleague and is titled, “Kids Who Carry Our Pain.” Sandy said, “read it one chapter at a time and reflect on it.” I took his advice. I read one chapter a week. Then I would pause, reflect, and weep.

The book was written for people like me from a dysfunctional family and who were now struggling with relationships with our own children. The bottom line of this book is that healing was possible if we are willing to look at our own pain, own it, and believe that healing would come to current relationships if we let them go and faced our own truth.

“Face our “Own Truth.”  That is a phrase that has become popular in our culture. But Dr. Warren meant something quite different from the way it is used today. A good current example of what I mean is found in Prince Harry’s new book. Prince Harry’s truth is the pain that he felt in the dysfunctionality of his very public family. It’s best summarized in the title Spare. He used this to identify the pain and loneliness he experienced as a child. The title is better understood I think in another way. He meant Spare as a summary of the pain inflected on him. I think it is better seen as the lens through which he is currently viewing the events of his life. He is saying, I was treated like a spare and that is why I feel this pain. He wants the world to hear his truth.  What he doesn’t understand is that a child sees their world through the eyes of a child. One of the primary themes of Dr. Warren’s book is that children from dysfunctional families are coping with life with something significant missing from their understanding. What is this missing ingredient? No one tells us the source of the toxicity that has dominated our family.  We feel the toxic effects. We live with pain and often shame. We assume it is somehow our fault. We often see ourselves like Harry, the victims of this pain.

It must start with awareness. The first thing this book did for me was to describe what it is like to be a child from such a dysfunctional family. It points out the pain we feel. It highlights the confusion we live with. It painfully points out the destructive behavior we live out and even worse the pain we pass on to our children. Dr. Warren said that the way to stop the pain is for the adult/parent to face this pain and deal with it. That became my journey.  

It was several months of pain and tears. With the book as guidance, and a counselor friend, I did the work that I needed to do. Near the end of the book, Dr. Warren urges the adult/child to try to speak to our parents, if they are still alive. He suggests that we prepare a critical question to direct to at least one parent. He taught us that once we share it with them, we would have to sit back and wait for the response. And we need to be prepared for the family pain that is about to be revealed.

I can share my question with my father. I still remember the quiet afternoon as we sat alone. “Dad, I want to ask you a question and I want you to think about it before you respond.” He nodded.

“Have you ever thought about how your relationship with your father affected the way you related to me?” Nothing from my family or our history prepared me for what he shared. While sharing, my mother entered the room and added more painful family shame.  I do not think it is appropriate for me to share what all flowed out that day, but I can share the results.

First, I can share how it hit me. It was painful, awesome, and ultimately freeing. In one conversation, my toxic family history poured out and opened the door to freeing me from that past. It led to a deeper relationship with my father. I called my wife that night and we cried together.

Interestingly, I never told my son about this, but soon things began to change between us. One day he called and pleaded to come home and live with us. I almost said no, but my wife looked at me, and crying nodded yes! So began a long year of reconciliation. As Warren said, he no longer had to carry my pain. Of course, by then, he had plenty of his own.

To my son’s credit, after moving home, he restarted his education, got a job, and began to blossom.  A year later, he asked us to consider supporting him in applying for college. We smiled and said, “Well, if you think that is something you want to do.” He was grateful. That night as we prepared for bed. We said our shortest and most joyful prayer. YESSSSSS! Thank you, Lord.

Meeting the author: When I became a member of the Staff of Christ Church in Plano and began Vital Church Ministry, I discovered that Paul Warren and his wife were members. I invited him to coffee. After we sat down, I said to him, “Doc, your book changed my life!” At the end of our time, he smiled and thanked me for sharing. Then, right there in the coffee shop, we cried together tears of healing. 

He has since gone on to the land of light and love. I shall never forget him or his book, his lessons, and his great kindness to me.

Thanks for listening. Some of you may find this book helpful too.

Kids Who Carry Our Pain is by Dr. Paul Warren and Dr. Robert Hemfelt and is part of the Minirth Meier Series and Published by Thomas Nelson 1990.